When you go to a party or social get together, do you ever feel under constant pressure or anxiety of being with strangers?Do you get thoughts like “ i wish I don’t have to attend the party”. “I will keep as quiet as possible when I am surrounded by number of people”. Do you try to avoid eye contact in a social gathering? Or feel like everyone is looking at you, “ I wish they turn away”. “ I shall try to leave as early as possible.”
At times after attending a social gathering instead of feeling joyous, you get some depressive thoughts! Or you start comparing yourself with those who were really active in the party & you wonder how they could be so comfortable in their skin! And why you were not enjoying being there? Do you avoid going to new places because that involves interaction with strangers? What goes through your mind? Is it some fear? Is it Anxiety? Or depression? Or simply could it be because you feel shy? Think ! Is it your shyness causing you stress?
Shyness is mistakenly regarded as a childhood trait which people outgrow. In reality that’s not the truth. I came across a survey of 10,000 people by Dr. Philip Zimbardo, a Stanford University Psychologist & Co-Director of The Shyness Institute, he found that approximately 40% of this sample described themselves as ‘shy’! Also 15% of them experienced situational shyness.also there are some ‘shy extroverts’ , who appear outgoing in public, yet they are shy when you meet them one to one!The research also indicates that men & women are equally shy.
The analysis of individuals under terrible stress indicated shyness as the cause of their stress. Some common factors amongst thIs sample are listed here. Just check whether you too are being stressed because of being shy?
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You are a confident person but you find some situations really tough. People find you strong & confident, but when you went for that interview you were perspiring, you went blank , you could hardly recollect the answers for the questions being asked; though you had thoroughly prepared! Another incidence when you stood up for your presentation & faced the audience, you felt shy giving your opinions thinking they might ask personal questions! You felt ‘everybody is looking at me’ “ “I don’t want to face the audience”. This thinking might lead to making more mistakes! During these situations what was at the back of your mind? Fear? Anxiety? Nervousness ? or shy feeling? Think. Some people experience “stress” when they are not able to open up to others e.g. speaking in public, personal interview, dancing on the floor, singing or presenting themselves (or their talent in public). Though they are comfortable otherwise but they feel excessive anxiety in a particular situation. Is any such situation giving you this shy feeling, as you think that the parents or friend may taunt you on your poor knowledge or limited ability to handle things!
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You want to enjoy certain activity but you restrict that desire. A single woman in her 30’s always postponed her program at last minute whenever she was invited for a date. When she used to start getting ready to go for a date, she would find it extremely stressful! But the man concerned would have no idea why this happens? At times he would think she is playing games! May be devaluing me or playing hard to get sorts…. Her psychoanalysis revealed that basically it was her shyness. she was afraid that the man might like her & if she might not like him? in that case she won’t be able to say “No” & how will she get out of the relationship? Just the feeling of shyness to express her displeasure was so stressful that it prevented her from enjoying life. Being shy can create obstruction to your happiness. You may hide your real feelings which might lead to frustrated & stressful life!. This in turn lowers your self esteem affecting other aspects of your life & personal growth.being happy is your right as a human. Don’t let shyness ruin it.
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You excessively concerned when it comes to reveal your real you… At times you have too much concern about your actions or to reflect your real self. It can be due to shyness. It’s often surprising what comes out when you analyse your thoughts & fears. You find a difference between “the real you & the role you.” this is the reason why some of the popular entertainers feel more at ease when they are on stage or in front of camera. But are not comfortable when it comes to personal meeting. If you observe such successes though they are shy when it comes to personal talk , their involvement is great in community theater, debating societies or even masters of ceremonies. Because, during these activities they can temporarily “be” the person who is not shy. But often due to this type of behavior in person, they are mistaken to be egoists or difficult to approach person . So in the role of an entertainer they are confident, open & not shy. But in real life they are shy!
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You are shy hence can’t voice your opinion. A teenager was not able to talk to his father when he wanted to change the course , that he had chosen for the studies. Similarly in other case a young girl was not making it clear to her parents why she was not attending the classes for which she had signed up by paying a huge amount! In both these cases shyness was at the root of not opening up about what they feel! And the result in case of the boy was his repeated failure in exams ! not expressing himself he landed up in bigger problems. He was too shy to express his feelings because of his fathers unpredictable reactions, which ,might lead to embarrassment! And the girl in the above example, wasted her one year but couldn’t confront her parents. It can be easily understood, how much stress must have been there by not expressing their wants/feelings. When it comes to an important conversation with your close ones you are not able to express yourself. You are hesitant to state your emotions , thoughts or desires. Because you think that others might laugh at you or criticize you. For example you are hesitant to talk to your father , feel tensed when you need to talk to your boss asking for a raise or meeting your child’s teacher who might analyse you to evaluate your child’s progress! Or do you behave is a passive way most of the times? All these thoughts could be generated due to your own feelings of shyness.
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Is your body language sending out signals of disinterest or withdrawal?
If your major problem is that your families, friends & doctors don’t take your problem seriously, it means you are not openly talking. You are scared that you may say something stupid or panic. Often without even realizing it , what you are telegraphing is : “ I am scared” “ I am afraid” “ I am intimidated”. Unfortunately other people don’t get these messages. But others interpret this body language as aloofness or conceit & stay away , making the shy person feel even more insecure. By being too much conscientious the image you send out to the world could be that of being selfish, egoist , not easy to befriend & intimidating!
So, just ensure, do you find personal conversation difficult ? are you correctly denoting it through appropriate body language? Or you hardly ever speak , worrying about the impression you are creating ! and to keep the conversation moving along you use conversational feedback e.g. “yes, I agree” or “how interesting” , which actually you don’t mean at that moment. This may not fetch you the expected results, putting you in more stressful situation! This way, your shy feeling is blocking your relationship to be built or to be more healthy. Instead you want to avoid judgement or comments from others. But “no talk” is also stopping you from stating your view point, which can lead to pent up emotions ! When you want to reduce verbal communication, be careful that your body language does not send signals which may create misunderstandings & increase your anxiety. Finally I suggest, analyse yourself, your communication & your dealings with people, is your stress due to your feeling of shyness in situations which you find difficult to handle? Is shyness causing you stress & prevent you from enjoying completer life? Get help, solve the issues & lead a healthy, happy & successful life!